Potatoes are nice
me: achieves a perfect sear and caramelization on my lamb shoulder with a light and fluffy risotto and perfect presentation
you: forgets two of the mystery basket ingredients
me in real life: a silent mystery
me on the internet: ask me anything I love oversharing im so alive
i am SO PRETTY from a little distance, in a shaky selfie, passing by, in low lighting. it’s the added mystery. NO u don’t have to come closer, this is fine
how to give a good handjob
You pull your left hand in
You pull your left hand out
You pull your left hand in
And you shake it all about!
Cha cha real smooth
none of you ever touch a penis
concept: u and i go to the aquarium for our first date. u are nervous as u try to hold my hand. but u accidentally knock the cracker out of my hand because ur a piece of shit and u don’t use ur eyes. there goes my damn cracker. look what u have done. i run away screaming and never return ur phone calls. it’s been three years and u still write to me occasionally but i never answer. where is my cracker
one time we got a new kid in fifth grade and he walks right in and sticks his hand under the stapler and staples his hand and just looks at the teacher and goes “I’m going to the nurse” and leaves
raise your hand if you’ve ever committed a crime. did you do it? okay now with your hand still in the air, go down to the handcuff store, buy a pair, handcuff yourself to the building, and call the cops to come arrest you. thanks for your help. have a good time in prison
one time we got a new kid in fifth grade and he walks right in and sticks his hand under the stapler and staples his hand and just looks at the teacher and goes “I’m going to the nurse” and leaves
